the time we almost killed dick van dyke.

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dick van dyke is lucky to be alive.

maybe he’s just not used to vehicles driving around his gated malibu community. maybe he thinks himself invincible cause he can step in time.* perhaps he’s hoping for a “bit ‘o magic”. or maybe he thinks he’s lance livestrong.

whatever the reason, the man needs to learn to look both ways before blitzing out of his garage and down the street. because lack of precation almost killed dick van dyke when he was almost struck by our vehicle.

yes. OUR vehicle.

on sunday morning, nate brooke and i had some time to kill before getting to the airport. so we decided to drive north to Malibu and check out this amazing Franciscan monastery that hosts pastoral retreats. this monastery is within this gated neighborhood. so we’re weaving through the neighborhood and nate is pointing out different celebrities homes – specifically mel gibson’s house – and he mentions that dick van dyke lives in the community too.

he hardly finishes his sentence and suddenly an older gentleman with a white mustache comes flying around a blind corner on a bicycle.

both vehicles screech to a stop. we end up about 5 feet away from impact. our mouths gaping open like a codfish. we make eye contact. he’s wearing a silly looking face shield just in case he happens upon the hood of a car with his face mashed against the windshield. he’s fortunate to have avoided such a scenario.

in the intensity of the situation, no one could be for sure that we had almost run over DVD himself. we just thought it was some mere human. just some random fella on a bike. maybe it was cause of his silly face shield that we didn’t recognize him. who knows. but we drove away and it slowly settled in that we had come within a second of being front page news. we almost plowed over dick van dyke on a bike.

can you imagine?! what if we’d hit him?! what if we’d run him over?! what if he had died?! gosh. what a miserable situation. i’d cry all through Mary Poppins for the rest of my life. i would be hated by millions. heck, i’d hate myself! what a relief.

as he awkwardly maneuvered around our rental car, he could very clearly be seen muttering something under his silly face shield. it was one of those slow-motion-coach’s-reaction situations – you know, the ones where you can absolutely read their lips? the ones where little bits of spittle fly out of their mouths after they unleash that voiceless labiodental fricative “F” motion? the situation where everyone goes “ooooo wonder what he just said?”

it was like that. obviously i can’t repeat it here. but DVD really let ‘er fly. had he not needed both hands to steer around us, i’m sure it would’ve been accompanied by a very distinctive hand motion.

so lets just be thankful that the situation didn’t escalate. i’m not sure we could find a lawyer that could match his. i’m not sure i’d even want to. no matter what he said, no matter whose fault it really was – i’d just nod my head and respond, “whatever you say, dick van dyke.”

but i will say this: he’s lucky. of course, that is to be expected – a sweep is a lucky as lucky can be.

-apc.

* – flap like a birdie!

EDIT: man. so weird. dick van dyke looks like my dad. also Guy Smiley.

3 comments

  1. >Funny story: When we were little, to help long car trips go by faster, my family would record episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show and watch the videos on our combo TV/VCR, with the station wagon's back seats folded down. I love that guy. Glad you didn't kill him.

  2. >dude…you almost ran over one of my childhood heroes. …nice links. especially the third facemask. i don't blame him though. i hear it's buggy out there. don't want bugs in the face when you're flying about.

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